Spanking and Anger

I was checking my email today and I read an article of a girl who posted on youtube a copy of a tape she made when she was 16 of her Dad (who is a judge) beating her with a strap. Needless to say it is disturbing to watch. It struck a cord in me that resonated deep inside.  Because I was “spanked” as a child and because of that I did NOT spank…

I have read all over the Internet of stories of why people choose to spank or not. I have kiddos, I know they can be a handful.  With my first daughter I remember being a young first time Momma and I remember I had spanked her when she  was young  (like maybe 3x in her early life about 3 yrs old she is now almost 16) and it was for doing something dangerous or being very uncontrollable and I quickly learned that is was not working. It just created fear and put me back in time as a kid when I got spanked and I felt very guilty and vowed to never spank her again. I acknowledged that it was me out of control and lashing out. I remembered how it made me feel as a kid and it made me cry. I swore to myself I would not raise her being spanked, it is just not right.  That was about 13 yrs ago she was about 3 and it hurts me today to think I went there. I did not want to be my parents.

I see parents all the time hitting for little things and it saddens me. I do not think a shriking little tired kid in walmart deserves a spank for acting out.  First off if it is their nap time why are you shopping? Second leave the groceries and walk the heck out of the store. I have done this and my childrenand learn very quickly it did not fly with me. On the other hand you dont need to sit and have a large convo witha little kiddo, tell them why your leaving and end it.  A 16 year old on the other hand is more difficult agreed but seriously spanking??? 

My Parents were old school and I do not blame them they did not have the tools we have now as parents. I love my parents just wish I did not have to be raised to fear, but they did as all parents did back then cause it was ok. That was how it was then.

My oldest kiddo 15,  is at that age where we have butted heads allot over the past few years and I could feel that tight feeling when I get mad and have been told by others you should smack her for talking to you like that.  I stand here saying that it does not work. I read on  www.empoweringparents.com  on how if you feel attacked by your teen in any way to call the cops. I choose to do that once and she got an eye opening.  We as parents have to draw that line in the sand and I did. Teens these days are harder than when I was a teen. I know I was a pain but seriously at times I wonder if tv and all have really changed our kids or is it us as parents how we raise our kids.  I know I in some respect created the monster that shows up in my house. I have gave in too many times just to avoid fights. That is not the way.  I vowed to end this cycle and enrolled us in family counselling.  I read www.empoweringparents.com like it is the HOLY GRAIL!   

I know that with my younger kiddo it is easy, punishment fits the crime and when I ask her to stop she does or she looses a privilege.  I have broken her out of fits as a baby by ignoring the behavior and walking away.  Why when they are teens do this we let them draw us in? We engage back to the behavior we did not take when they were little?  Why do we let our guards down?  I know I do plan on the little kiddo having rules will be crystal clear when she is a teen kiddo and stand my ground like I do now for her. 

Which brings me back to the spanking punishment originally talked about.  If your teaching your child that it is OK for you to hit why is it then not OK for them to hit or get physical when they grow up?  We have teens fighting and even killing each other these days. Bullying is out of control in schools.  Spanking does not work, it creates fear and anger and a cycle that can be hard to stop as an adult and then continues generationally.  I don’t know how many times I thought boy I would like to smack the taste out of someones mouth but seriously? As an adult we don’t go around smacking people for making you angry.  So if you have kiddos who push those buttons, think to yourself did you give them those tools to find the button? The answer is yes you did so don’t go spanking them for how you probably taught them how to act.  So take responsibility and end the violence today and seek help to be better parents. There are resources out there even if you don’t have the means for paying for it. 

Back to my story.  I have seen a change in my older kiddo (and me) since I stopped letting her bring me into the “box” where she is angry.  I tell her I will talk to her after she has calmed down and tell her I will speak to her later. She gets 15 min to chill in her room and knows that going off on me or blocking me from leaving in any way is unacceptable (remember I did scare her by calling the cops and they did SIDE WITH ME for calling) it is never OK to touch someone or block them physically and it is not OK to verbally assault your family. Neither child or parent should do this behavior.  Even though states laws may differ and OK spanking it is still not OK. If you have problems with your teen and they don’t let you walk away seek help on ways for both of you to get ways to manage anger together.  I did and I tell you truthfully sometimes them hearing it from an outside source is best cause teens don’t want to feel controlled by parents. But they do need to know clearly where expectations are and a good family therapist can help you do this.

We learned allot of things I already know, but seriously when they hear it from either a counsellor or police officer it has a bigger impact.

Some things I have learned and pass on to you. First of do not let the power struggle escalate to the point where you are fighting verbally and of course physically. Your body can tell you when your getting to that point, listen to it. Teach your children to listen to it.  Help find coping skills, my daughter has hers she learned in family therapy and they are great even for me to use.  Kiddos need these as they grow up to be an adult (Hello Road Ragers). Talk to doctor rule out any needs for meds or diet changes to help moods.  When they are upset cause they don’t like a rule let them know you hear what they are saying and then talk of the reasons why you say no. If they get upset fine, your not in control of how they feel you cannot change that to suit your needs but you can discuss it with them and their choices on how they choose to react. You are in control of how you react is the main thing to remember when your upset.  If they are still acting out end discussion.  Do not get pulled in and walk away.  Have rules and expectations for your family crystal clear so when something is not done and they want to go out well it was their choice not to do it.  Respond positive to things that shows growth, no matter how small.  I know with teens it is harder but find it and build upon that. Positive messages are remembered even if we think they dont care we are saying them.  I am setting goals for myself as a parent also, like to compliment her daily is my latest one not on just the physical but on behavior. Like I told her the other day, I said thank you for talking to your sister instead of yelling when you were upset. She got it that day and I could tell in her face.    Last just breath not one person is to blame and know that you can change the family dynamic it wont be overnight but it will get better.

Check this out from empowering parents these tools can help you so anger does not get in the way. http://www.empoweringparents.com/Calm-Parenting-Anger-Management-in-Kids-and-Teens.php?utm_medium=email&utm_source=email11012011NX

MommaSays: If you spank stop today,  you can end this generational curse of abuse.

 

Spanking and Anger

 

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2 Responses
  1. terry says:

    I was spanked as a child, often and severely, by today’s standards and maybe back then it would have been considered abuse. A variety of objects were used, belts, switches, sticks, hairbrush, only occasionally just a hand, etc. My children are grown now and I have to say that I never spanked swatted, hit or anything my children because I never wanted them to feel like I did. I know that children who are abused often become abusers, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

    • Totally agree we need to stop this insanity of punishment. I know I did not learn from my spanks it made me just feel hate as a child for being hurt. Some emotional scars never heal from that kind of punishment.

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